Friday, August 10, 2012

My Hero

I finally feel ready to write again. This blog is pretty much exclusive to family and friends. It would have been so much easier to write this past year if I knew those closest to me wouldn't be reading it. Anonymity goes a long way some times, ya know? But since that isn't the case with this site I held off. Biding my time until I felt able to share my thoughts and feelings about raising Ruby without unwittingly letting go of certain details that should not be expressed to the masses. Undoubtedly I will be walking this line with a slight waver in my step, but I do feel more practiced in my ability to balance as of late so...here goes!

Ruby is...well for starters Ruby is three!! Can you believe it!? I know I barely can. She is becoming the most ridiculously bossy little fiend. And she is so funny! I have never known another pre-schooler with such intentional comedic timing. The kid is a riot and she knows it. She loves toy cars, rocks and fossils, cars, reading books with me, cars, Finding Nemo, and oh yes...cars! Seriously, the kid may be an addict. In truth though I can't believe how absolutely deliriously happy she makes me everyday...even on the really crappy days. Even those days where I can barely function, and can't seem to escape the curious gravitational pull my couch has. Even on those days when she's acting particularly fiendish, and can't seem to stop screaming or whining. Maybe that seems paradoxical, just like every other facet of parenting, but it certainly is true.

This year has brought on intense challenges for Ruby. Very profound changes have rocked her little world. Most of which, quite frankly, make my gut wrench. But she is still standing, still precocious, still very much loved. And then there are the smaller battles. The ones that passerby can't detect. She faces fear everyday and overcomes it. She is terrified of loud noise, of the unpredictability of other children, of being separated from me (even for brief periods of time), and of a variety of other worries that fall under the blanket of anxiety. Whether these issues are a result of her chromosome deletion, our family's seemingly genetic predisposition to anxiety problems, her painful experiences in the hospital, or simply her innate personality I couldn't tell you. What I do know is that she struggles everyday to function in a world perceived by her to be full of chaos. I've borne witness to her panic and frustration many times.

But I have also seen her triumph. Oh how far she has come! This small person; so sensitive to movement and sound and touch...she now thinks nothing of striking up a conversation with a new adult as long as I'm within arms reach. She runs around my friends' houses as if she owns them. She embraces dogs ten times her size. She goes to the movies and doesn't cry at their volume. Heck, she goes to school...WILLINGLY...with a classroom full of CHILDREN and no Mama!! She is my hero. This little person who once found all of those things so paralyzing at one point now does them with only minor reserve. I think she must be the bravest person on the earth. Can you imagine living in a world filled with things that frighten and frustrate you? Where nearly everything seems a threat? Some days I think that's how Ruby must feel...but she is stronger than those fears. She is just so strong. Just think, all of those strangers, who've been lucky enough to have a chat with Ruby, have spoken to an actual hero...and they don't even know it! Not to mention Ruby's whole surviving-a-life-threatening-heart-condition shtick! She is amazing!

So maybe that all sounds incredibly sappy and false. I'm not sure. Don't get me wrong, Rubes has her fair share of sass...okay she has three scoops of sass with a side of stubbornness, and extra opposition on top. Sometimes she couldn't share with her cousins if her life depended on it! And occasionally she is a complete wild child, who screams when we are out to eat or throws EVERYTHING practically EVERYWHERE in a comical act of defiance. But all of that? That's just being three. I can handle that...even when I feel like I can't. Because as you might have deduced, I have a hero for a daughter.


My Tough Girl