Life is Good

The past four years have felt like a raging river.  I've been grasping on, struggling to keep upright in a tight raft not meant to traverse tumbling waters.  Up and down, over boulders and falls large enough to capsize my vessel.  And now I've come to this eery calm.  The stream has somehow flowed into a glass lake just when I felt myself slipping beneath the surface.  The water began to consume me and then...nothing.  Serenity and peace.  The quiet I had always sought became attainable.  And here I am.

Life is so good right now it scares me.  During the past four years I've faced what could only be described as a bizarre amount of challenges.  First I was gifted a child whose needs surpassed what I felt I could give.  Not only her development but very existence seemed all too tenuous.  And then my marriage...now thankfully gone...fell victim to a series of problems which shall remain unnamed.  In the wake of these troubles I find a foreign state of being.  What I can only assume is happiness.

Ruby is four years old.  She is so smart it kills me.  She is brave and strong.  She is passionate and loving.  She thrives in school.  She is healthy for now.  She is miraculous.  And I have become such a good mother.  I don't say that to sound vain but when you find the thing you were put on this earth to do you know it.  And I know it.  I may not know much else but I KNOW I was meant to mother to my child.  And frankly I rock at it.  Maybe not 100% of the time but I'd venture only slightly less.  I am a good mom.  This is not the life I would have designed for my daughter but it is oddly enough the best one she could have.  What's that phrase? It's only through the darkness that you can see the stars? For my little family, how true.

And so what else can I really say? For a brief moment on this journey the water is placid.  Its smooth surface a much appreciated reprieve.  The rapids may come again, most certainly will come again, but for now all is well.  And so I will relish in the peace.  Secure my vessel for whatever comes ahead and for this small moment enjoy the beauty that surrounds me.

Change

Children change everything and nothing. In many ways I am the same person I was 5 years ago. My neuroses has sadly not left my side, nor my occasional lapses of self-doubt. I still adore Mexican food and watching old movies. I am still surrounded by the same circle of close friends. Life continues to forge a path that rises and falls. Minutes turn to hours, hours into days, days into months. I have the same feelings. I value the same things.

And yet...I am reborn. Having a child forced me to examine things in my life that I had merely glanced over with a blind eye. My life was not good before. I was a broken person and completely unwilling to recognize that.

Ruby didn't 'heal' me. But being responsible for her did. I could no longer live in the environment I had, at the very least, allowed to take root. Perhaps I didn't plant the seed, but I never weeded the damn garden. That probably doesn't make sense... Sorry about that, all you get are bad metaphors. My point is that I had been a passive spectator in my cluster**** of a life until Ruby came along. Once I had her I ceased to care about the false sense of security I had convinced myself to accept. That meant nothing. My own comfort, the comfort of people I had been wrongly protecting for far too long...it was all pointless. The only thing that mattered was, and is, Ruby. This perfect little being's life was in my hands, and I could no longer rationalize away the dysfunction in my life. Because it was up to me to create a home and a family that was worthy of her, and if doing that meant rocking my fragile universe, then that's exactly what I was going to do.

And so, I did it. I changed my life. I am a better person for it. And most certainly a healthier person for it. It has been hard, it will still be hard. But she has gotten what she deserves. She has a loving and stable home, and you know what? So do I.