Change

Children change everything and nothing. In many ways I am the same person I was 5 years ago. My neuroses has sadly not left my side, nor my occasional lapses of self-doubt. I still adore Mexican food and watching old movies. I am still surrounded by the same circle of close friends. Life continues to forge a path that rises and falls. Minutes turn to hours, hours into days, days into months. I have the same feelings. I value the same things.

And yet...I am reborn. Having a child forced me to examine things in my life that I had merely glanced over with a blind eye. My life was not good before. I was a broken person and completely unwilling to recognize that.

Ruby didn't 'heal' me. But being responsible for her did. I could no longer live in the environment I had, at the very least, allowed to take root. Perhaps I didn't plant the seed, but I never weeded the damn garden. That probably doesn't make sense... Sorry about that, all you get are bad metaphors. My point is that I had been a passive spectator in my cluster**** of a life until Ruby came along. Once I had her I ceased to care about the false sense of security I had convinced myself to accept. That meant nothing. My own comfort, the comfort of people I had been wrongly protecting for far too long...it was all pointless. The only thing that mattered was, and is, Ruby. This perfect little being's life was in my hands, and I could no longer rationalize away the dysfunction in my life. Because it was up to me to create a home and a family that was worthy of her, and if doing that meant rocking my fragile universe, then that's exactly what I was going to do.

And so, I did it. I changed my life. I am a better person for it. And most certainly a healthier person for it. It has been hard, it will still be hard. But she has gotten what she deserves. She has a loving and stable home, and you know what? So do I.