Guilt. All encompassing guilt. When it runs unchecked it overrides all of the senses. It often renders me immobile. Frozen under its oppressive weight. As a woman, and specifically as a mother, it is constant. I hope by making this generalization I don't offend. It has merely been my observation that guilt is ever-present in the lives of the women that I know. Whereas men seem more content to accept what is and not worry about what they could have done to alter their reality...women seem plagued by their choices. Perhaps because women feel responsible for Every. Little. Thing. I know I do...even when that is completely irrational. I feel as though I should be able to provide stability/happiness/compassion to everyone at all times. And frankly...it is exhausting.
I should have done the laundry today, why didn't I just do it? Now Ruby will be living in squalor. I yelled at her yesterday when she was screaming in my face. Why did I do that? Now she will be scarred for life. She cried on Thursday on her way to class. I couldn't do anything to help her. Her confidence will dwindle and she will feel helpless and alone. I must be a horrible mother. I couldn't get her to eat enough this morning...and we didn't eat at the table. "Real" families eat at the table, right? Why am I failing her at every turn? Why have I made the choices I have? Will she resent me? Will she need a therapist to sort out the issues her parents have burdened her with? When she faces her next surgery will I be the mother and the advocate she needs?
See?! I'm already feeling guilty for what I might or might not do in the future! Crazy! Oh how the mind works, eh? I once told my friend that everything we are responsible for causes us to feel guilt. She laughed and agreed.
Before I became a mother, I was a worry-er. I would over-analyze and fret over the smallest of things. Thinking I had not done enough to help, or afraid I had not studied hard enough for a test. I frequently felt that my best was never enough, and guilt ensued. AFTER I became a mother those feelings grew like weeds. Strangling out the semblance of a garden that was my mind. Now, there are days when every other thought is centered around what I perceive as my failings.
When you have a child, your emotions are suddenly not your own. It is a startling effect, to feel so connected to another human being that when they hurt you feel it too...actual empathy. Real and true. When Ruby cries I feel torn inside. I feel a pull to comfort her that can not be expressed fully with words. When she is upset, or frightened I feel it with her, through her. Those early days in the hospital were particularly harrowing. After being stabbed with needles for an entire afternoon she would flinch at a gentle touch. I felt like I was pierced as well, my skin broken as hers
So...when you feel that much for someone, and when you are responsible for their life. Their health, their happiness, their education, their diet, their social abilities, their everything...that leaves a wide net for you to maintain. Every time you fail a hole in that net tears. And while you try to repair the damage you've done there...another 5 holes appear. Some of these rips are your own doing, and some are caused by snags in the sea but either way, some days it feels like all you are doing is patching holes. Being responsible for life is amazing, and rewarding, and joyful, and triumphant, but as I said before...it is also damned exhausting.
So deep void...what to do about this guilt? How can a person overcome it? How can I know I've really done the best I could have done for my child? Hello void? Any answers? Cause I'm fresh out of ideas...
