Honest Fears

I don't mean to upset anyone. This is just me being honest. I am aware that some of these fears are irrational, some are even selfish. I've been adding to this list for months since Ruby came home for good. This was not written with the intention of being made public but I want to be more honest on here. I'm sure it is a list that will change as the months and years go by. I also want to explain that I don't think about these things every second of the day. I am VERY grateful for Ruby's life and those feelings are certainly foremost in my thoughts. But these fears do sneak into my mind from time to time, and I think that if I don't write them down they will grow into debilitating obsessions.

I fear...
That I won't have grandchildren
That when I die I will be alone with no legacy of family
That my marriage will fail
That I will turn to alcohol if she should die
That I will let down my mother
That I can not be the mother she needs
That I will waste too many moments on worry (funny to worry about worrying)
That I will never see her walk down the aisle
That I will lose what little faith I have
That I will give up
That I will never get to go to a parent-teacher conference with her
That she won't be able to Irish Dance
That at some point, we won't be able to cover her medical expenses
That she will not be able to make friends
That she will be teased
That she will feel pain
That she will not take pride in what sets her apart from others
That she will be psychologically damaged
That it isn't worth it for her to live
That I will make the wrong decisions in her treatment
That there will come a day I will never see her smile again
That I will never be able to see her first drawing
That I will not be able to walk her to her school
That she will never go sledding
That she will never ride a roller coaster
That she will suffer a stroke
That she will never know the joy of eating
That there is no heaven
That I am raising her as if there is no tomorrow
That there is no other conclusion to her journey other than an early death
That she will die slowly and painfully