Over-Thinking

I am most definitely a person who over-thinks things, which is probably why I love writing this blog so much. It's a way for me to sort things out in an organized fashion...or at least a slightly more organized. Anyways, I am fairly neurotic. I can be extremely self-conscious, as those closest to me know. I constantly worry about the relationships in my life; whether they are strong enough and so forth. I worry about whether I have let someone down or out, whether I have been a good enough friend, sister, daughter, wife, and of course mother. The list goes on and on. Sometimes these worries consume me. I feel suffocated and the very things I worry about come to fruition because I am in too dense a fog to prevent their occurrence. Lately one of the things I'm been over-thinking is Ruby's behavior and development.

Now I know I've talked about her development before, and I know that's something that every parent thinks about and worries about...especially parents of kids with 22q. But I also constantly worry about her behavior. I'm aware that many children with 22q Del have behavioral problems and that is ALWAYS in my mind when I watch Ruby play, get sassy, or interact with other kids. So far, when I think about it calmly and rationally, I don't think she has exhibited any behaviors that I find abnormal for her age. She does have a tendency to use repetitive behaviors to self-soothe...but it's not quite self-stemming. It's actually quite similar to some of the of things I do; things like rubbing my left arm while speaking in front of others or moving my toes together when I get mad. And her actions have not become obsessive or inhibited her play so her OT has said not to worry. I really should take her advice.

Other things that often concern me are normal toddler things. Whining about things, throwing tantrums (usually only when tired or sick), getting mad about sharing toys. While these are all standard for a toddler I am always thinking, "Oh no! Does she have a behavioral disorder? Is she not listening because of ODD? Why is she not playing nicely?" Ah..the mind of a mother! Anyway, all of these things circle in my head day after day. And I've decided to stop the cycle. No more. No more over-thinking. Ruby is who she is. She is going to fuss and whine, sometimes more than other children and sometimes less. She is not a perfect person and neither am I. I am going to deal with her moods and behavior the way I see fit, and not the way others do. I am going to enjoy all of her and not get preoccupied with how I think she "should" be acting. So there world! I am putting it out there...no more over-thinking!!!

OK, well maybe just less over-thinking. After all we can't change our very nature ;)

Not Talking

Things are so good most of the time. Life moves along steadily, and for me with Ruby, very often joyfully. I wake up, get Ruby's feeding pump set. We cuddle, get dressed, slowly drag ourselves from bed. We play, eat (a little bit), go on play-dates, read, and do all of the normal things that a toddler and mother duo might do. And then there are days like today. Days that seem completely fine. Busy, normal-for-us days, and yet I find myself sobbing as I ride home in the car. So why did that happen?

I don't know for certain. I assume it was just one of those things. One of those cosmic piling of events and circumstances that lead a person to feel like crap about a particular topic...if that makes any sense. We had Speech today. It went fine, just like most of our speech sessions. Later we had an ENT appointment--more talk about talking, so to speak. Ruby and I went to dinner with friends and one tiny little thing someone said there set me off. I don't mean I was mad at them, I wasn't and I'm still not. I don't think I even seemed sad at the time. But what was said brought out my own insecurities. That I am failing her. That I am doing something wrong. And that I am the reason why Ruby is not talking.

Maybe I am. I don't know and that is part of what makes it so frustrating. Is it the 22q, is it the delayed start she got from being in the hospital so long, is it from us and how we interact with her, or is it just...her? Who knows?! I certainly don't, and although I feel as though I am doing everything in my power to help her speak perhaps I'm not. I follow my instincts and I think that I've doing a pretty good job, but nobody is perfect.

I really hate being so touchy about this. I hate that one person can make a COMPLETELY innocent comment and I'm off. My little brain just runs rampant with all of the perceived implications of what that person truly meant. By the time I'm done over-analyzing and totally misconstruing what that person said I am a mess. And that's what happened on my ride home today. So friend, if you read this and know I'm talking about you, please know that this has NOTHING to do with you and all to do with me and my own crazyiness.

My sister said the other day that the two things she has learned about parenting are to be flexible and don't judge. Because nothing happens the way you plan it and we all are just trying to get by the best way we can. It's so easy to be defensive when it comes to your kids, and when you have a kid that's different I think that the defensiveness goes into overdrive. There's all this baggage when your child has problems. For me, I'm so used to being Ruby's protector and advocate that I take offense and get emotional pretty quickly. Tonight I hid it from my friends but as soon as I had time to stew in my own thoughts I lost it.

Gah! I feel like this post is all over the place! Oh well, at least it's an accurate representation of my state of mind ;) So how to conclude? I guess I want to say that even though most of the time I feel OK about Ruby not talking, it's something that I know she's behind on and that makes me worry. And one of the things I worry about is that I am somehow to blame. So if you know me and love me, and we ever start discussing my little "non-talker" just keep all this in mind if I start acting crazy.

The Non-Talker...at least she's cute ;)