I don't know for certain. I assume it was just one of those things. One of those cosmic piling of events and circumstances that lead a person to feel like crap about a particular topic...if that makes any sense. We had Speech today. It went fine, just like most of our speech sessions. Later we had an ENT appointment--more talk about talking, so to speak. Ruby and I went to dinner with friends and one tiny little thing someone said there set me off. I don't mean I was mad at them, I wasn't and I'm still not. I don't think I even seemed sad at the time. But what was said brought out my own insecurities. That I am failing her. That I am doing something wrong. And that I am the reason why Ruby is not talking.
Maybe I am. I don't know and that is part of what makes it so frustrating. Is it the 22q, is it the delayed start she got from being in the hospital so long, is it from us and how we interact with her, or is it just...her? Who knows?! I certainly don't, and although I feel as though I am doing everything in my power to help her speak perhaps I'm not. I follow my instincts and I think that I've doing a pretty good job, but nobody is perfect.
I really hate being so touchy about this. I hate that one person can make a COMPLETELY innocent comment and I'm off. My little brain just runs rampant with all of the perceived implications of what that person truly meant. By the time I'm done over-analyzing and totally misconstruing what that person said I am a mess. And that's what happened on my ride home today. So friend, if you read this and know I'm talking about you, please know that this has NOTHING to do with you and all to do with me and my own crazyiness.
My sister said the other day that the two things she has learned about parenting are to be flexible and don't judge. Because nothing happens the way you plan it and we all are just trying to get by the best way we can. It's so easy to be defensive when it comes to your kids, and when you have a kid that's different I think that the defensiveness goes into overdrive. There's all this baggage when your child has problems. For me, I'm so used to being Ruby's protector and advocate that I take offense and get emotional pretty quickly. Tonight I hid it from my friends but as soon as I had time to stew in my own thoughts I lost it.
Gah! I feel like this post is all over the place! Oh well, at least it's an accurate representation of my state of mind ;) So how to conclude? I guess I want to say that even though most of the time I feel OK about Ruby not talking, it's something that I know she's behind on and that makes me worry. And one of the things I worry about is that I am somehow to blame. So if you know me and love me, and we ever start discussing my little "non-talker" just keep all this in mind if I start acting crazy.
The Non-Talker...at least she's cute ;)
Hang in there! I completely and fully understand where you are coming from. I still struggle with these issues all of the time and feel that I always will. I too am very defensive about my child! Macy Jane's speech is very delayed, but within the past 4 months, it has really started to come along. Was it her 6 months in the hospital? Was it her oral aversion issues? Was is 22q? Is it just her? I don't know and will never know so I quit worrying about it. She is in speech therapy and that is all I can do besides talk to her and make her make some type of noise when she wants something. You are doing everything you can for Ruby, but she is going to talk when she is ready. Nothing that you do is going to change that fact. Just keep her in therapy, read to her, and try to get her to make some type of noise. MJ made NO sound except for crying for the first 9 months of her life, so it's going to take time. our kiddos are so special in so many ways and it is hard and at times just plain sucks. Hang in there, she is beautiful and unique and she will at some point start talking. : )
ReplyDeleteWhen you are a Mama, you worry about everything concerning your child & you only want the best for your child. Ruby is doing great! She will speak when she is ready. It is more important that she understands what we are saying & that she finds a way to communicate to us what she is thinking & she is very capable of doing that.
ReplyDeleteWhen Kane was first born, I was devastated. I was doubting God, hating my husband and all my friends. I felt alone, as though no one could possibly understand me. I would look at family members that had children the same age as my wonderful boy and get angry because their children were laughing and carrying on while mine had his breathy trach laugh... or what seemed to be a laugh. But, I would look at those mothers as they complained about a cold... A WHAT?!?! They had no clue... Heart sx's, tracheotomy's, feeding pumps, the up all night and day for days without help...and it would set me off. Still to this day, with Kane at age 7, whenever he uses his nebulizer, I remember the struggles that he had as a little one, and remember the challanges and the feelings, the nt walking or talking. They never go away, and we can get past all of the tears and the pain, but we will never forget... So breath, I know it is hard now... but reach out to those that did what you are doing now... we will be there for you! You and your daughter are loved!
ReplyDelete-Julie P(Mother of Kane age 7 c22q11.2 deletion)
Kerry,
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say something that would make you feel better. But...being a mom, with all the ups and downs of having two children without any problems, I know there's not much I can say. Even with so called "normal" kids, we go through trials that bring on many of the same emotions. When my youngest daughter was almost two years old, I began to worry about her not talking. Our friends would set her up on the table and bribe her with candy just to say their name. She would sit there and grin. Finally, at about 2 1/2 she began to "single word it"and by 3 she was talking non-stop. She is 48 now and has never "shut up"!
I guess I told you that experience just to let you know that maybe Ruby just isn't ready to talk. I don't know. If I did, I could write a book and become wealthy.
Wishing for you a fabulous holiday season...full of peace and understanding.