Ruby-Ronan Troubles

I haven't felt like writing much lately. But I'm going to try to push through this...

Ruby has experiencing some intense anxiety lately. She has always had severe issues when she is in a medical environment (understandable), with loud or piercing noises, with strange textures, and with large groups of people in a confined space. We have been able to manage most of these episodes through avoidance and comfort but recently her anxiety has presented itself in a way I have simply not been able to quell. Ruby has become terrified of her almost-11-month old cousin Ronan. (I thought of writing this as a faux monster movie description, i.e. The Screecher, but am just too bummed about it all).

See that creepy baby glare...pure evil (according to Ruby). And I'm TOTALLY kidding in case you have no sense of humor.

More seriously, for many reasons this is just so sad. First and foremost she has always loved Ronan. She has loved petting him, feeding him, seeing him, and interacting with him on any level. Ronan clearly reciprocates this love, which for him means he often squeals with excitement when he sees Ruby. The squealing has Ruby so scared that once he utters a peep she refuses to sit on the floor with him or even look at him. I have been watching Ronan a few days a week so this has made things even more difficult. Nap time is impossible and my usual recourse, of taking the kiddos for a car ride to sleep, ceases to work because Ruby is especially frightened when in an enclosed and inescapable space with him.


I am at a complete loss. I have tried ignoring her behavior and treating it like a tantrum, but this seems to only enhance her panic and her fervor escalates quickly. I have tried pushing through it with distraction and assurances but this only works temporarily, until he squeals once more and sends Ruby over the edge of reason. I have talked with other parents and tried a few different remedies from their arsenals. I have tried exposing her to images of Ronan and she merely smiles at his pictures and videos and goes right back to screaming in his presence. I have talked with her OT about the problem, and operating under the assumption that this is a sensory issue, we have tried to resume brush therapy. I haven't watched Ronan for a week or two but tomorrow I am so that will be the big test, but I fear the worst.


Ruby's doctor recommended she see a child psychologist, and while I generally think therapy would help a child with such a problem, I worry that adding new medical personnel to Ruby's ever growing list might only do more harm than good. (Not to mention that Ruby is still mostly non-verbal and our insurance would most likely refuse to pay for treatment). I am beginning to really worry that this is a more severe problem and not merely a phase. And while I know Ronan WILL grow out of his screaming, what if Ruby does not grow out of this intense fear? What if she can not handle interaction with her peers in a normal fashion? How will she ever attend preschool if she can't deal with the noise and unpredictability that is other children?


I miss my sister. I miss Ronan. I haven't really been able to see them much since Ruby has had this reaction to him. I just want this to be over so that we can go back to enjoying each other. I miss our movie nights, dinners, and trips to the domes. I don't know what to do. And I'm so sad about that.


There are so many crummy things that have happened lately and I just want life to get a little bit easier...just a little bit. I know I shouldn't complain because there are so many families out there who have lost their children, and they would give anything to have their baby here in this life to worry about, just like I am. But I am really tired. I wish Mary Etta were still here--what was it her dad used to say about wishes? I wish Dan wasn't so God-damned depressed. I wish I didn't feel like everything is a continual state of entropy...including my family. I wish I could see my friends more. I wish my governor wasn't trying to repeal every source of medical assurance we have for Ruby. I wish Ruby were "normal." I wish I were normal...whatever that means.

Please universe!? Just a break? Just let one thing go right? Or am I too blinded by all of the bad things to see the good? I will try harder. I will keep trying harder. It must be that I am just not doing something right. If I could only figure it out and change I could make it better.