Can't Sleep

As I type it is 2:48 AM. I have not been sleeping well these past few days. Perhaps it is because of the sinus infection I've been fighting. Perhaps it is due to the fear that I constantly fight to keep at bay, knowing that at any moment our lovely Governor may make sweeping cuts to the programs that allow my daughter to live and thrive. Perhaps it is from the constant pressure, confusion, and frustration that comes from dealing with problem after problem that Ruby seems to be battling any given day or week. Perhaps I am just so relieved to have time to think and simply exist without the demands of being a good mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, etc. that I refuse to relinquish such precious time to sleep. Whatever the cause. Here I type at what is now 2:53 AM intermittently crying and thinking and playing on the computer.

Everything felt so heavy this last week. I felt like I had 2o lb weights attached to each limb, in addition to the most suffocating 50 pounder on my chest. The week before this had been wonderful. Despite the bug Ruby was fighting off that week I was on. I was keeping up with housework, enjoying every breathe my lovely daughter exhaled, and relishing in the happy moments of my life. And then last Sunday, one week ago, I felt the weights pressing down on me again. Suffocating. That dreaded wasteland known as numbness began to take over. And I smiled for my daughter and I played with her and I still felt dead.

How is it that one week can feel so vastly different from the next? How is it that one day I am fine with all of the problems that lay before me and the next those same troubles pin me down with unrelenting force? I know this will pass. If I only smile enough and think less. If I can only will myself to take pleasure once again in the happy moments then the painful ones will feel smaller and less significant. But sometimes it is so hard to gather the strength to do that each and every day. But I will. Tonight I will cry and tomorrow I will smile. I will gather Ruby in my arms as she wakes with one eye glued shut and kiss her sweet face and I will smile. I will laugh at her joy and feel pride as she walks. I will read her books and take pleasure in every new thing she learns and absorbs. I will love her with every bit of my soul and feel her love for me returned. I will. I will. I will.